Saturday, February 6, 2010

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. If I'm honest with myself, I'm really feeling kind of "done" being pregnant. I'm shocked that I feel that way because I was induced with Nora around 40 weeks, and physically I didn't feel done at all at that point. I felt like I could have kept going for a couple of more weeks, at least--and in a way I wish I had, but that's another story for another day. I'm carrying this baby differently and I think that is affecting how I am experiencing the end of pregnancy, physically. I'm basically ready for her to come any time she wants to, as long as she's ready, too! I really wrestle with these feelings because intellectually I know that a lot of babies need longer to cook, and I really don't believe in forcing the issue. But whatever--it's not really in my hands, anyway. What will be will be.

Emotionally speaking I'm probably ready, too. In both of my pregnancies I've been shocked by how intensely I experience emotions. I've been called "too emotional" in my non-pregnant life, which is kind of a pet peeve because I kind of feel like, well, I'm me and this is how God made me. I can control how I behave but I find that when I try to control how I feel about things it just makes things worse. For me being pregnant is kind of like being drugged by hormones all the time. The first trimester was really intense. I've had a bit of a reprieve lately, but today was particularly rough, and when I heard Jason was going to be about an hour late last night my heart really sank and I thought, "How am I going to get through this last hour?" My patience is just out the window, and I hate to see Nora bear the brunt of it. The truth is my lack of patience is probably interacting horribly with the patience-testing qualities of the average 3 year old. When I think back on how I spoke to her throughout the day yesterday, it was a lot of "No, stop, don't, hurry, hurry, I'm getting wet!, hurry!! Let's have quiet time. In a minute. I don't know!" I really dislike days like that and they're really low parenting moments I'm not proud of. The good news is that it's the weekend and I'll have back-up in the form of Jason. So here's to a peaceful weekend for all three of us, and here's hoping I can show a little bit more kindness towards my family than I have been lately.

A couple of more things. One, we did decide on the baby's name and I think we're happy with it, so if she wants to come on she at least will not be nameless. :) Two, we're a week away from our amazing romantic vacation at Barnsley Gardens. I'm really interested in seeing what gets here first, the baby or Barnsley. :) We didn't plan it this way; Jason's work sends us there every year and this happens to be the weekend it falls on this year. While I would love a nice vacation with my sweet husband, having a sweet baby this week would be even better, I think. So we'll see how it all shakes out.

2 comments:

Mon said...

I love your layout! I read via Google Reader most times so don't always see it. :)

Wow, I can't believe you're already 38 weeks. WOOT!!!

It's funny, you never struck me as "too" emotional. I think you are just caring enough. (((hugs)))

Dara said...

I was that way at 38 weeks with Lucian, too, and like your experience, that was totally different than how things were with Gus.

((hug)) and add in a :cheer, because 38 weeks!

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